The Onion Piece

A long time ago I was a writer for the Onion. I was an intern. Like, a guy who they were just testing out. I wrote by the name Jenkins Gallager. Look me up. It’s all facts.

Anyway, after three months they said I was too much. Too strong is your writing, they said. Too aggressive. You need to tone it down a bit.

But I did not like that. Because they kept revising it and telling me to make it more PG, basically. I don’t do PG, I told them. I don’t even do PG-13. R at minimum. You know what I’m saying?

Anyway, I decided to start my own website after that.


Too Cool For School, Folks

Step into the OCTOgon
Today’s match
Dr. Octavius vs. OCTOmom

Who gon win?
The sly fox grins
At the hen shitting eggs
I got some hairy ass legs
My dick? Even hairier. Scarier!
Her dad threw her daughter at me
And shrieked crazily: MARRY HER!!!

Damn. I was but now no
You make a declarative statement
I ask: how so
I ask a lot of questions

I saw a guy get his toe sawed off by a haunted bra
And then his fingernail clipped by a mutilated tit

It was just floating in the air all stupid
Don’t call me doofus, just call me lucid
Selena Gomez had or has lupus
Does it ever go away?
I can look it up
But I don’t have the time of day
I have a busy day
I’m a writer
That’s all I can say


St. Petersburg

I woke up in St. Petersburg
And awoke to write the absurdest of stories
My apartment was 300 stories
And I was in the penthouse

The day was cloudy like sin
I took a swig from a bottle of magic gin
Belched! And a fairy told me
Let’s begin!

The fairy said write about liquid helicopters and cherry skies
Write about the faceless hoodlums working as homeless spies
Yes, and write about the endeavors of men that don’t ever end

I said, Fairy, are you a man or woman?
About that, don’t worry my friend

I said, Fairy can you stay here at least till the 10th?
You got it, buddy! But you have to drink more of that gin