story

Party + Dinner

*I saw a guy named Bloomenthal, in the gallery of sweatshirts*

Fancy meeting you here, ey?

Since when do you talk like that?

I’ve always talked like this.

Anyway there’s a dinner party at 9, I don’t mind you attending. Would you like to come?

Umm. No. I have somewhere to be.

Where?

Here.

Here?

I work here. I’m closing tonight.

Oh. Well that’s a shame.

Ok. Have a nice day. Thanks for the invitation.

9 PM

Do you know who I saw today? At the sweatshirt store?

Who.

I saw Jose.

Jose M?

Yes. Jose M.

Working or shopping?

Working.

Oh dear. (Accompanied with a look of deep concern)

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story

I Love Me Some H2O

Water bottle wazoo
Water bottle waddle some more
I saw a water bottle at the store
It said, Pick me! Oh. Oh. Pick me.

Why hasn’t anyone picked you, I asked it

No one drinks water no more, man

Hmm. Well let me see. I’m gonna try to get something that goes down good with water.

*5 minutes pass*

I’m back

Oh cool. You’re taking me?

Yes

What did you get? Is it something tasty? Is it something crunchy?

You ask a lot of questions for a water bottle…….I got chocolate

What kind of chocolate?

Don’t trip, potato chip

Hey can you not drink me? And can we just be friends

I don’t know, man. I’m already friends with a tire. People are gonna think I’m crazy. But then again…people thought I was crazy before i became friends with a tire

Crazy? You look pretty cool to me.

Keep talking, water bottle. Flattery will get you very far with me.

I think you’re hot.

Cashier looks at me all crazy. I look at her…you hear that? My water bottle thinks I’m hot

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story

I Got Me A Nice Harley

I met a guy
He worked at Harley Davidson
He said Jose my poop has hair in it
I said, shave the shit

Now show me your nicest bikes
He showed me a red one, he showed me a blue one
I said, Melvin…do you know of a Clara?
Ah yes me I think I knew one

I bought two bikes
One for me and one for him
We’re outside
*Vroom vroom*
Show me where she lives

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Letter

Shopping Madly

I received a letter in the mail.
It was from Maxine Bellamy
She said the following:

Dear Jose,

The other day I saw you at the store but I did not tell you. Instead I followed you around the aisles and watched you pick up a cereal box, then set it down, then pick up another, then set it down, and finally the third cereal box you put in your shopping cart. So indecisive of you, Jose. I wish I had not observed this about you. You moved so clumsily, with no grace at all, around the store. Finally, when you got to the check out line, I felt the urge to approach you but decided not to. Instead I observed your hand debate whether you should get a Hershey’s bar or a Snickers. I looked away at the last second and did not see which one you decided upon. I’m wondering if you can tell me in your response which one you settled for. After I left the store, the first thing I did was write this letter so the memory of you was still fresh in my mind.

Bye Jose. I look forward to reading your letter.

Take Care,

Maxine

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