I’m so grateful because
I had a beautiful babe pay
Me a conjugal visit
She sat on me like I was Earth
I cursed like, ahh fuck, ahh shit, yeah
Time was up, at the guard I smirked
Lucky you, said the guard
I know, I replied. I’m a lucky guy.
Does she have a cousin
You can hook me up with?
She might. Keep bringing me old rap magazines
And I’ll see what I can do
Two months later I get out
He’s like, but what about the cousin?
Fuck yooouuu
It was dark, we were showering
Do you usually shower in the dark, I asked.
No. Do you?
No.
*I grab at something*
Is this the sponge, I asked.
No. That’s my ass.
I then grabbed her face
And we began kissing
We kissed in a hallway, it was like really cute
We both had really good breath
We complimented each other on our breath
We walked in a park, it was misty
I think this weather is sexy, I said.
We then began kissing again
You must really like kissing, I said.
I don’t see you complaining.
We continued walking.
I dropped her off in front of a bakery.
Ok, have fun at work, I said.
We then began kissing again.
Her boss came out and said, you two love birds can get yourselves a room later. We have work to do .
Bye Jose.
Bye.
I drove a man to an abortion clinic
I said “hurry up! We can’t be seen!”
A bunch of protestors start throwing shit at us. A bullet whizzes by. A can of Coke bounces off my head. The guy I’m escorting is covered with a blanket. “C’mon. Let’s go.”
He stops to look at me: “Thank you man. I really mean it. Thank you.”
“Thank me later!! Hurry the fuck up!”
Baby killer!!! Have a baby!!! Baby Killer!!! I’m gonna fucking kill you!!! And your driver!!! Baby Killer!!
*Ok we’re inside now*
“Doc, hurry up. He needs to have the procedure. Quick!”
“Ok. Ok. You need to hold them off for 30 minutes.”
*20 minutes later*
“Doc hurry up!!! I can’t hold em off much longer!!!”
*THE FOLLOWING DAY*
***Me, the doctor, and the pregnant man appear on the 5 o’clock news. We were all murdered by a mob. And I guess the baby got murdered too, even though it was only a few months old.***
Damn.
She fell in love with an artist. This is the story of Yani Olga & The Artist.
Yani Olga: Hello Mr. Artist.
The Artist: Go away Olga. I’m working on something major.
Yani Olga: Can I see?
The Artist: No Olga. You can see later. When I release my work to the world.
Yani Olga: But you said one of the perks of being with you is that I can see what you’re doing.
The Artist: Olga, if you don’t get out of here …
*The Artist begins to take his belt off*
Imagine if Kim Kardashian was trying to calm Kanye West down but nothing she does is working and then he jumps out a window.
Then…the next day…CNN, TMZ, TWITTER, KANYE WEST THROWS HIMSELF OUT OF A WINDOW
Saturday Night Live does a skit about it..
And they recreate the scene of Kanye throwing himself out of a window
….
A week later…NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE: KANYE JUMPING FROM WINDOW leaks on the internet.
That’s the world we live in, folks.
Matthew was in the bathroom and yet he looked up at the sky.
He said, can you please write more descriptive passages about me! And give me plot armor. Heavy, heavy, plot armor. I don’t wanna die! I don’t! I don’t!
His girlfriend said, “that was good.” She was in the shower looking all sexy. “Is that a new part?”
Yeah. It’s for my new acting class at the improv. We each have to pick a scene from a random shit. I found this in Jose’s car.
“It sounds lovely sweety. I know you will make a great actor someday. Even Jose thinks that.”
Jose…man. He’s just being nice.
Matthew masturbated into the toilet as he watched his girlfriend take a shower. His girlfriend was about to get out, but he told her to remain showering so he could bust twice a nut. “Are you fucking serious? Fucking sex Freak!”
