The Onion Piece

A long time ago I was a writer for the Onion. I was an intern. Like, a guy who they were just testing out. I wrote by the name Jenkins Gallager. Look me up. It’s all facts.

Anyway, after three months they said I was too much. Too strong is your writing, they said. Too aggressive. You need to tone it down a bit.

But I did not like that. Because they kept revising it and telling me to make it more PG, basically. I don’t do PG, I told them. I don’t even do PG-13. R at minimum. You know what I’m saying?

Anyway, I decided to start my own website after that.

Possible Interactions

Random Dialogue Pt. 1

He. Mr. Marketer: get up whore! And market the products. Hurry up. We have deadlines to meet.

But sir, I am so tired, my sir.

Mr. Marketer: get up whore! Get up!

*On his phone he plays the sound of a whiplash*

Mr. Marketer: whore, get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!

Sir, I am sorry, sir. I am so …

Mr. Marketer: Whore? Whore? Someone call an ambulance this whore just passed out.

Assistant #1: sir you have to call a special ambulance for whores. It’s called the Whore Ambulance.

Mr. Marketer: Then call the Whore Ambulance then! What the hell are you waiting for?!


A Harvard Teacher

They called me

We want you to teach at Harvard

Teach what?

Whatever. It’ll be your class. It’s your choice.

Really? Ok. Give me but a fortnight. I have to talk it over with my family.

5 minutes later…

*Ring Ring*
*I pick up the rotary phone*

Yes. Hello?

Ok. You’re gonna get a call from NYU. Don’t answer it. They’re gonna make you a huge offer. Bigger than ours! But you see, it won’t come with the same prestige.

Well…I can’t pay the bills with prestige, dear. That’s the problem.


Wait I think that’s them.

No wait! Don-

Jose? 5 million dollars. Two semesters. You in or out?

I’m in.

Ok. I’m emailing you a plane ticket right now. We need you to fly out by tomorrow.

No problem.


A Cool Morning

Wow. What a morning.
I think I’m about to go watch a movie on Netflix.
Here’s the thing about Netflix. I feel like I spend more time looking for something good to watch than I do actually watching something good.

Can anyone else relate to this? I’m sure many others do. I’m so relatable. Also super datable.

I also feel like I’ve watched everything worth watching on Netflix. Hmm. What should I do now? Look for a new job maybe? Write some more.

I’m always writing lol. Hey, that’s what I do, I write. Thereby, I am a writer.

Hmm there go my job title. Pretty cool, huh?