You arrive home. You live alone.

You hear a commotion. Very minor. You almost think you didn’t hear anything.

Still. Your heart drops a little.

You turn on the kitchen light and a guy is licking a green paste off the floor.

It’s guacamole.

“Not the guacamole!,” you scream.

In the other room there’s some noise. It’s the bathroom.

You open the door and your two gay neighbors are taking a shower together.

And they’re singing the Pledge of Allegiance to each other



No Home-O

If not for my parents…I might be homeless
I’m 26 and if not for my parents
I could very well be homeless
I’m so lucky because my mom
She says I can stay here forever

Obviously I don’t want to
But I can’t afford to live
Somewhere else
And I’m 26!
Am I supposed to be embarrassed?
If not for my parents…I might be homeless

And that is NOT sexy

Sometimes reality is not sexy

Sometimes it is

Chicago Tales

Sexy Gymnast

I’m in a boardroom
With men of so-called business
In comes a gymnast
And I fall in love
I follow her out the building
And board the same bus as her
Then when she gets out
I do too

She enters her apartment
And it’s about 3 o’clock
When she hears a knock

She opens it and sees no one there
Then she closes it and turns around
And I’m write there


The Rhymer Helps A Blind Man

This is gonna sound like I’m bragging but too bad

I saw a blind man on the corner
Intersection busy
He kept asking
My seeing eye dog, where is he

He felt around and touched air
Kinda looked like a mime
Touching a wall that ain’t there

I looked to see if anyone else would help him
Kuz I was feeling lazy
No one did shit
Ok I’ll help him cross the street
But then what? That’s it?

I asked him where are you going?
He said home
I said ok, I’ll take you
I led him to my car
And the whole ride he kept saying
Thank you, thank you!
It was kind of annoying
I dropped him off and his sister said,
Thank you.
She offered me 20 bucks but I had to say,
No thank you.