Marty Keeto

He Swam

I knew a guy, I think his name was Marty Keeto

The story goes that at night he’d go down into the sewers and have himself a swim

And he would enter thru different sewer caps each time. Sometimes on Archer and Kedzie. Sometimes on North and Broadway.

He always waited till the coast was clear to dive in. He wore black trunks and a highschool jersey he got at a garage sale. No sandals, barefoot.

Reports of a strange man climbing out of manholes circulated. He hated the attention. But he had no way of knowing if the coast was clear when he climbed out. He dreaded coming out, so sometimes he prolonged his swims just to forestall his resurfacing.

Anyway, The Sewer Man, they now called him on the news. And here and then a faroff picture of him would appear on social media. One guy had a video, it showed Marty running away. He was chased by the guy recording. He jumped on a dumpster and launched himself over this big heavy fence. Quite the feat. In the video, Marty appeared bald with a coat of black paint over his entire body. It intrigued people further.

Months later, people began to go down into the sewers themselves. A bit of a search party formed up. They went on canoes. Flashlights and all.

A year later, swimming in sewers is an activity countless people enjoy.


As for Marty?

Well, if you pay me, I’ll tell you.


Hitler Statements

I have a crush on Hitler

I’m having sex with Hitler

Hitler held the door for me once

I beat up Hitler before he became famous

Hitler was in my yoga class

Hitler attended Mass all drunk

Hitler was friends with Emily, a skunk

I held Hitler’s hand and helped him cross the street

I was there when Jimmy Carter rubbed Hitler’s feet

Even Hitler masturbated, he beat his little meat

Possible Interactions

Random Dialogue Pt. 8

Dave made his wife a burger.

Dave: I made you a burger.

Molly: Thanks. I hope it doesn’t suck like last time.

Dave: Every fuckin time! You always have to talk shit. Why can’t you just say, “gee thanks Dave for the burger.”

Molly: Ok. Thanks Dave for the burger.

*Molly takes a bite*

Molly: It actually sucks a little less than last time.

Dave: That does it!

Molly: Where are you going?

Dave: I’m going out with the boys. At least they know how to treat a man!

Molly: Alright. You better not call me later crying.

Dave: I never do that.

*Later that night*

Dave: Oh my God, Molly. I love you. Just – please tell me my burgers are good.

Molly: Your burgers are good

Dave: Thank you!

Molly: At making me not want to eat. Haha.

Dave: Seriously? I’m about to throw myself in front of a car.

Molly: Great. One less shitty burger maker in the world.

Dave’s Friend: Dave! What are you doing?

Dave: I’m talking to my wife!

Dave’s Friend: What is she saying?!

Dave: She’s saying good things!


I Went Mountain Climbing

I’m climbing a mountain with Larry Stranded

“You have an interesting name.”

What’s so interesting about it?

“It suggests that you’re gonna get stranded. And well, by extension, so am I.”

Well we are. But we’re gonna find our way back down by sheer force of will….

You can pussy out now if you want

“Nah let’s do it. It’ll be a great story to tell if we make it.”

*5 hours later, it’s night*

“Oh shit is that a mountain lion?”
Oh fuck I think it is
“Get ready to shoot it”
But I’m with PETA
“Jesus Christ! It’s gonna kill us, dude.”
Alright. But don’t tell anyone
“Oh fuck what is it wearing?”
“Oh fuck. I think that’s a bullet proof vest. Shoot at its head!”
I’m out!

*Months Later*

I’m conversing with a random girl at a bar.

And so what happened to him?

“He’s now an amputee.”

Another guy chimes in, trying to cockblock

No way you pushed a mountain lion off a cliff

*Alright. I Skype Larry Stranded*

Larry: Another non-believer?
Me: Yup
Larry: Yeah he pushed a mountain lion off a cliff

Wow I think that’s sexy

But it was the guy that said it.