New Verse

New Verse, blue shirt benellevee
Smeared gel on smelly feet to cover the odor

“Welcome to Hollywood, may I take your order?”

yeah I’ll have a little bit of this

“Would you also like a little bit of that?”


I went to the mess hall but it wasn’t a mess

One of the elders, his name was Quest

He said,

Rhyme cannonical

Time is abdominal

Meaning it’s crunch time?


But first it is lunch time

We ate oatmeal with pieces of meat in it

And performing live was Jean Paul Sartre

I read some of his books

Good for you!

He gave me a cookie, oatmeal of course

We then played sports, badminton

I received a 1st place ribbon and appeared on SportsCenter later

A guy ran out of a coffeeshop and said, “hey this is you in the paper”

Wow, this is a good picture of me

I made note of the author to thank him later

Turns out the author was kind of hot and now I want to date her

But first, I was shown a crater in Area 51

We filled it with champagne and swam

Girls with tans were all over us

We boarded a party bus and went to Atlanta

We watched the Superbowl, Patriots, Rams

Didn’t this already happen?

The elder was gone

And now I’m in a room with a table of pong, playing a guy named Ping

A termite sings in the shelter of dogs and the Grammy goes to him

A hat I wear with a golden brim and a silver cane props me up

A guy named Flux calls me over and shows me his Gameboy

Pretty cool, right? It just came out

Then a guy named Lout calls me out

A wave of my hand and he becomes a trout

I ride a shout like a slide and appear in front of deer, they’re having a meeting

They are planning on dressing up as people in costumes and going trick or treating, a scheme to get candy

Deer eat candy? Oh shit! I clasped at my mouth

Who invited him?!

Now I’m being head-butted by deer, it’s worse than it sounds

Now I’m Downtown. On Wacker Drive a pitcher’s mound. And I’m coming out of a dugout.

Dusty Baker is like, it’s up to you kid

I throw a curve ball and strike him out with one pitch. Then the app Stitch. And then a future app named Kitch. Having something to do with kitchens.

Oh my god the clock is ticking

It’s the elder! Where the fuck have you been

In the gym working on my abs


Dreamt Of A Wild One

I had a scary dream
Construction workers were slamming their equipment into Dairy Queen
And I was in it

Of course zombies were behind them
Tearing at their flesh
One guy broke the glass as a zombie launched itself on his back

I’m like, fuck!

Then I was in a desert with a German Shepherd and a Leapord

The Leapord pissed water and the Shepherd shat moon pies

They also defended me against vicious camels who ran like horses and on their backs rode cactus holding ticki torches

The cacti were the hardest to kill, because it’s wise not bite em

I was fortunate to find in an abandoned temple a pickaxe to slice em

Then I was in a river, flowing downstream too fast to comprehend where it was leading to

It drops me off at a hospital with a cactus on a stretcher with a feeding tube

Then I heard a commotion.
Outside construction workers were slamming their equipment into the hospital
And a wave of zombies was hot on their trails



I hopped on the CTA

On the bus was CJ from GTA

I said, what are you doing here?

He said, who the fuck is you?

I said, nevermind

He got up and said, nah. Now I wanna know. Who the fuck is you?

He pointed two Glock 9’s at me

I said, I’m Jose!

He said, watch this, Jose!

He shot the bus driver and took control of the wheel

I looked at him and suddenly he appeared to be Keanu Reeves

And the events of the movie Speed began unfolding

Then … we crashed into a Chuckee Cheese

And I was seated in that back room where a show occurs…you know what I’m talking about?

And I was clapping. As a waiter brought a pizza to my table.

A guy took a seat next to me and said, hi I’m your agent.

I said, oh hi. I didn’t know I had an agent.

He said, oh shit! Get down! A missle missed my head by an inch. I know because there was a guy right there with a ruler measuring it.

The guy then snapped the ruler in half and stabbed himself in the neck with the jagged piece. Then my agent, he grabbed my arm and he said, let’s flee.

We ran out of there and then we were at a night club and I noticed on my shirt collar I was micd up

The music stopped and everyone turned to look at me and my agent said, “what did you just say?” In a very stern voice. I was like, wtf. And then I stabbed him in the stomach with the other piece of the ruler.

Then I jumped out of the window and threw a guy out of a bread truck. Now I’m driving a bread truck and I don’t know where I’m going.

I crash the bread truck into Coconuts, an old record store, or CD store. Whatever you wanna call it

I went inside and put on those headphones that let you hear snippets of music on CDs.

They said, there he is! All I saw was torches.
I ran into the bathroom. And seconds later there was banging. I’m like fuck fuck fuck as I look into the mirror.

The mirror looked like it was falling off so I grabbed at it and it came off. And I crawled inside this little hole behind it.

And then I put the mirror up behind me just as the angry mob burst in. They’re like, where the fuck did he go.

I’m like damn. Then a minute later they left, perplexed for sure. I heard someone say, but how could that be?!!

Minutes later I climbed out and I realized I was by Archer and Pulaski and I walked home.


Too Cool For School, Folks

Step into the OCTOgon
Today’s match
Dr. Octavius vs. OCTOmom

Who gon win?
The sly fox grins
At the hen shitting eggs
I got some hairy ass legs
My dick? Even hairier. Scarier!
Her dad threw her daughter at me
And shrieked crazily: MARRY HER!!!

Damn. I was but now no
You make a declarative statement
I ask: how so
I ask a lot of questions

I saw a guy get his toe sawed off by a haunted bra
And then his fingernail clipped by a mutilated tit

It was just floating in the air all stupid
Don’t call me doofus, just call me lucid
Selena Gomez had or has lupus
Does it ever go away?
I can look it up
But I don’t have the time of day
I have a busy day
I’m a writer
That’s all I can say