My dad committed suicide. It was a pity to watch. I was 6. I saw him put into his ass a rattlesnake tip. Then he aggravated the snake so it would rattle its tail, which vibrated in my dad’s asshole. But in the midst of his enjoyment, the rattlesnake turned around, it had a little muzzle on, but it fell off, right then it bit my dad in the asscheek and then one more time in the ankle. I ran out the front door when that happened. I still feel bad about it because I didn’t get help when that happened. When my mom came home she asked me what happened, I said my dad committed suicide. And that was real sad. 😦
Luol: I think he’s ready to die…that’s what makes him so dangerous.
Kirk: How does that make him more dangerous?
Luol: A man who’s ready to die…will do anything, son. Trust me. I’ve seen his kind before. I spent 20 years on the force. I’ve seen a lot.
Kirk: Well…do you think we’re safe?
Luol: Oh shit. Go to your room.
My dad passed away in 1937
He is now in Heaven is what the Devil told me
Why do you capitalize heaven and devil, the Devil asked me
You should only capitalize devil.
My dad, his name was Eddle
He died in a sweatshop. He was stressed out. He died of stress
Too expensive was a casket so we burned his flesh
In the fireplace. We couldn’t afford to do it professionally
Then we held marshmallows to the fire
That’s when the Devil first appeared
He said my mom was weird
And in her sleep he fucked her
So the Devil married my mom
There’s a big ass billboard by my house advertising guns. I’m not kidding. I found it a little distasteful but now it’s like whatever.
I went there…I asked, what’s the best gun to murder people with?
He said, don’t do it kid. Off yourself if you want. Any gun’ll do.
Yeah. Maybe you’re right.
What’s wrong anyway? Why you thinking this nonsense?
You ever feel like, this world is not for you?
Everyday man. Everyday.
Yeah. Well I don’t know man. I can either commit suicide. Commit homicide. Or commit suicide and homicide.
Sounds like you’re deciding what to eat at a restaurant.
Haha. Oh man that’s good. It’s good to laugh, it makes me less hostile.
*someone in line is complaining because I’m taking too long*
Hold on. This guy is thinking about committing a mass shooting.
“Really? I was thinking that the other day! Real shit. Last month. I was like 80% gonna go through with it.”
What stopped you?
“Well this guy told me I was a fucking idiot. That didn’t stop him from selling me the weapon though.”
Hey business is business man. Business is business.
“So what’s up? Are you gonna buy something or what?”
No. Now I just feel hungry. Hey I just thought of something. If I kill myself, I won’t be able to have that really good feeling when you’re done eating or throughout eating, like you know how it feels good when you eat something fire? Hey maybe all 3 of us should go eat.
Fuck it. Why not?
“Yeah fuck it. I can squeeze it in. And I am a little hungry.”
And we can all hold hands and cross the street to McDonald’s. Yay!
Hey. Now you’re getting carried away…What’s your name?
*15 minutes later. We’re eating at McDonald’s*
It’s funny…the only way I’ll stop writing is if I die. So I’m curious to know what will be the last thing I write before death. I would like to come back to life just to see what the last thing I wrote was. Was it something funny? Was it something deep, from the heart? Or was it something, something else?
That’s an interesting thing to think about. What will be the last thing I write before I die?
Sailor: Captain, we’ve received the orders. Are you sure about this?
Captain: I’ve never been more sure about anything.
Sailor: Captain, after this…..can we go get ice cream?
Sailor: You promise?
****20 years later****
Sailor and Captain are on Death Row
Guard: What do you two maggots want for your last meal?
Sailor, Captain (in unison): Ice cream!
Sailor: I want Gold Medal Ribbon
Captain: Umm me too actually. That’s my favorite! Hey you copied me!
Sailor: No you copied me!
Captain: No you copied me!
Sailor: No you copied me!
*Voices slowly drown out*
The Whore Ambulance zipped by me in traffic.
It cut me off, so me mad.
I saw the back of the ambulance open up
And I saw who it was, my least favorite whore
I said, Matthew – hold the wheel
I climbed out of the window and sat on the ledge
With a big ass gun I shot the ambulance and the ambulance died