story

Passing Away (A Story)

My dad passed away in 1937

He is now in Heaven is what the Devil told me

Why do you capitalize heaven and devil, the Devil asked me

You should only capitalize devil.

My dad, his name was Eddle

He died in a sweatshop. He was stressed out. He died of stress

Too expensive was a casket so we burned his flesh

In the fireplace. We couldn’t afford to do it professionally

Then we held marshmallows to the fire

That’s when the Devil first appeared

He said my mom was weird

And in her sleep he fucked her

So the Devil married my mom

www.

com

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story

A guy, A guy, and A guy (3 guys)

There’s a big ass billboard by my house advertising guns. I’m not kidding. I found it a little distasteful but now it’s like whatever.

***

I went there…I asked, what’s the best gun to murder people with?

He said, don’t do it kid. Off yourself if you want. Any gun’ll do.

Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

What’s wrong anyway? Why you thinking this nonsense?

You ever feel like, this world is not for you?

Everyday man. Everyday.

Yeah. Well I don’t know man. I can either commit suicide. Commit homicide. Or commit suicide and homicide.

Sounds like you’re deciding what to eat at a restaurant.

Haha. Oh man that’s good. It’s good to laugh, it makes me less hostile.

*someone in line is complaining because I’m taking too long*

Hold on. This guy is thinking about committing a mass shooting.

“Really? I was thinking that the other day! Real shit. Last month. I was like 80% gonna go through with it.”

What stopped you?

“Well this guy told me I was a fucking idiot. That didn’t stop him from selling me the weapon though.”

Hey business is business man. Business is business.

“So what’s up? Are you gonna buy something or what?”

No. Now I just feel hungry. Hey I just thought of something. If I kill myself, I won’t be able to have that really good feeling when you’re done eating or throughout eating, like you know how it feels good when you eat something fire? Hey maybe all 3 of us should go eat.

Fuck it. Why not?

“Yeah fuck it. I can squeeze it in. And I am a little hungry.”

And we can all hold hands and cross the street to McDonald’s. Yay!

Hey. Now you’re getting carried away…What’s your name?

Jose

*15 minutes later. We’re eating at McDonald’s*

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Journal

The Last Thing Before I Die

It’s funny…the only way I’ll stop writing is if I die. So I’m curious to know what will be the last thing I write before death. I would like to come back to life just to see what the last thing I wrote was. Was it something funny? Was it something deep, from the heart? Or was it something, something else?

That’s an interesting thing to think about. What will be the last thing I write before I die?

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Possible Interactions

Random Dialogue Pt. 4 (Ahoy, Maytes)

Sailor: Captain, we’ve received the orders. Are you sure about this?

Captain: I’ve never been more sure about anything.

Sailor: Captain, after this…..can we go get ice cream?

Captain: Yes.

Sailor: You promise?

Captain: Yes.

****20 years later****


Sailor and Captain are on Death Row

Guard: What do you two maggots want for your last meal?

Sailor, Captain (in unison): Ice cream!

Sailor: I want Gold Medal Ribbon

Captain: Umm me too actually. That’s my favorite! Hey you copied me!

Sailor: No you copied me!

Captain: No you copied me!

Sailor: No you copied me!

*Voices slowly drown out*

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story

Chicago Gun Violence

On the news was an Ogre
On the bottom of the screen it said “Ogre”
The ogre was green

Ok we are here with Ogre. Ogre tell us what you saw..

Ok. I’m an Ogre. I was taking a dump over there. When I saw a car crash into the playground. The guy, he got out and started shooting at the kids.

One of the parents, he started running my direction. But was shot down.

That’s terrible. What kind of gun was he using?

I don’t know to be honest. I am just ogre.


Ok back to you Al
.

Excuse me, can I fuck you?

No, I don’t fuck Ogres.

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