Nobody understands me

These were the words of a bodyguard named Bambi

He worked for a guy who sold cocaine for the eyes

Meaning, you rub cocaine in your eyes

And you get high

Bambi, he

Was depressed but he

Still had to protect

He was the most depressed bodyguard

Of all time

The History Channel wanted to do

A special on him

Bambi said, but why the History Channel?

The executive said, because you’re living in the past


Hop In

I’m no longer inspired, I told a tire at a mechanic shop

Is that right? Mechanic shop?

Nah. No one says it like that, said the tire

Hey, tire. What’s it like to be a tire?

It’s very tiring

Haha. You’re so funny, tire.

Tire. I want to take you home and put you on the back of my Jeep, it’s a Wrangler


The tire looked like it wanted to say something else

What is it, tire?

Only thing is…I want to sit up front with you

On the passenger seat?

Yes, on the passenger seat.



Flashback to the Present

And that is why, I said as I looked into the rearview mirror. And that is why the tire sits up front.



I hopped on the CTA

On the bus was CJ from GTA

I said, what are you doing here?

He said, who the fuck is you?

I said, nevermind

He got up and said, nah. Now I wanna know. Who the fuck is you?

He pointed two Glock 9’s at me

I said, I’m Jose!

He said, watch this, Jose!

He shot the bus driver and took control of the wheel

I looked at him and suddenly he appeared to be Keanu Reeves

And the events of the movie Speed began unfolding

Then … we crashed into a Chuckee Cheese

And I was seated in that back room where a show occurs…you know what I’m talking about?

And I was clapping. As a waiter brought a pizza to my table.

A guy took a seat next to me and said, hi I’m your agent.

I said, oh hi. I didn’t know I had an agent.

He said, oh shit! Get down! A missle missed my head by an inch. I know because there was a guy right there with a ruler measuring it.

The guy then snapped the ruler in half and stabbed himself in the neck with the jagged piece. Then my agent, he grabbed my arm and he said, let’s flee.

We ran out of there and then we were at a night club and I noticed on my shirt collar I was micd up

The music stopped and everyone turned to look at me and my agent said, “what did you just say?” In a very stern voice. I was like, wtf. And then I stabbed him in the stomach with the other piece of the ruler.

Then I jumped out of the window and threw a guy out of a bread truck. Now I’m driving a bread truck and I don’t know where I’m going.

I crash the bread truck into Coconuts, an old record store, or CD store. Whatever you wanna call it

I went inside and put on those headphones that let you hear snippets of music on CDs.

They said, there he is! All I saw was torches.
I ran into the bathroom. And seconds later there was banging. I’m like fuck fuck fuck as I look into the mirror.

The mirror looked like it was falling off so I grabbed at it and it came off. And I crawled inside this little hole behind it.

And then I put the mirror up behind me just as the angry mob burst in. They’re like, where the fuck did he go.

I’m like damn. Then a minute later they left, perplexed for sure. I heard someone say, but how could that be?!!

Minutes later I climbed out and I realized I was by Archer and Pulaski and I walked home.



You arrive home. You live alone.

You hear a commotion. Very minor. You almost think you didn’t hear anything.

Still. Your heart drops a little.

You turn on the kitchen light and a guy is licking a green paste off the floor.

It’s guacamole.

“Not the guacamole!,” you scream.

In the other room there’s some noise. It’s the bathroom.

You open the door and your two gay neighbors are taking a shower together.

And they’re singing the Pledge of Allegiance to each other