The Onion Piece

A long time ago I was a writer for the Onion. I was an intern. Like, a guy who they were just testing out. I wrote by the name Jenkins Gallager. Look me up. It’s all facts.

Anyway, after three months they said I was too much. Too strong is your writing, they said. Too aggressive. You need to tone it down a bit.

But I did not like that. Because they kept revising it and telling me to make it more PG, basically. I don’t do PG, I told them. I don’t even do PG-13. R at minimum. You know what I’m saying?

Anyway, I decided to start my own website after that.


A guy, A guy, and A guy (3 guys)

There’s a big ass billboard by my house advertising guns. I’m not kidding. I found it a little distasteful but now it’s like whatever.


I went there…I asked, what’s the best gun to murder people with?

He said, don’t do it kid. Off yourself if you want. Any gun’ll do.

Yeah. Maybe you’re right.

What’s wrong anyway? Why you thinking this nonsense?

You ever feel like, this world is not for you?

Everyday man. Everyday.

Yeah. Well I don’t know man. I can either commit suicide. Commit homicide. Or commit suicide and homicide.

Sounds like you’re deciding what to eat at a restaurant.

Haha. Oh man that’s good. It’s good to laugh, it makes me less hostile.

*someone in line is complaining because I’m taking too long*

Hold on. This guy is thinking about committing a mass shooting.

“Really? I was thinking that the other day! Real shit. Last month. I was like 80% gonna go through with it.”

What stopped you?

“Well this guy told me I was a fucking idiot. That didn’t stop him from selling me the weapon though.”

Hey business is business man. Business is business.

“So what’s up? Are you gonna buy something or what?”

No. Now I just feel hungry. Hey I just thought of something. If I kill myself, I won’t be able to have that really good feeling when you’re done eating or throughout eating, like you know how it feels good when you eat something fire? Hey maybe all 3 of us should go eat.

Fuck it. Why not?

“Yeah fuck it. I can squeeze it in. And I am a little hungry.”

And we can all hold hands and cross the street to McDonald’s. Yay!

Hey. Now you’re getting carried away…What’s your name?


*15 minutes later. We’re eating at McDonald’s*