My mansion. So beautiful. I now own a mansion. I thought, “what constitutes a mansion?” Without looking up the definition, could I define it for myself? Later I had the keys to my mansion. Real estate agent was a swell chick. I wouldn’t mind hitting that, I thought. Such a guy thing to think.

She said, I’ve heard of you. You’re that guy. With the website. Big dreams! That’s all you ever talked about. Big dreams!

Yup. Started out in a basement, you know? By the way, does this place have a basement?

Yeah. I’ll show you. *She takes me by the hand* (HOT!)

Ok. It’s a gorgeous basement. It really is like something to cry over. That’s how nice it is.

“Excuse me,” I said “here are some pictures of my old basement. I would like for this basement to be remodeled…To resemble it.”

She looked at the pics, then looked at me solemn. “I can do that.”


Hang The Gentleman

By hooks he was suspended from The World’s Highest Ceiling. “Please,” said Caygan, “I’ll never do it again. I promise it. Please! Where are you?!”

Caygan hung like the longest dick. He was just there. Hanging. His body, it glistened. His brown pants ripped. His hair was put in a bun. By who? By The Photographers. He had cuts on his chest. When he first regained consciousness he mused quietly over how he got them. Thirty seconds later began the shout exhibition.

His eyes were like…confused. The Eyes Of Confusion would surely be the title tomorrow. He was almost certain of it. “Please!” He began again. “Please! I’ll never do it again. Cross my heart.”

Caygan cocked his cabeza up. He saw his restraints. He studied them. He stopped screaming to conserve energy. Because thinking requires energy, thought Caygan. He started thinking things like, “Ok. If I want to get out of this, how should I go about it? What is the weakness of these chains. Everything has a weakness.”

Caygan, he was thrown stones at. He began screaming. Stones were palms and his body a conga. “Silence is not good,” boomed a voice. The voice could not be located.


I Placed An Order

Baby, do you remember

When I kissed your butthole and let my tongue flicker

Baby, do you remember

When they came out with that app, Flickr

Neither do I. After sex make me pie

I want it with vanilla and cherry

And decorate the plate with berries

Oh we don’t have any? Go pick some

Off a tree, duh

Don’t look at me like that, just get going woman

I swear, women are so difficult


Another Story

There was a guy named Calderon. In his way was Jeddy Loomer. “Out my way, sir. Can you not see I am headed past where you are standing?” They was in a hallway. It was narrow like the stick of an arrow. Little sunlight came thru thick drapes. And Jeddy peeled them back and saw apes. Just roaming. Like kids in a playground. “Calderon, I cannot let you pass. I cannot let you pass because it is known you are a thief. Of the highest magnitude. So I must turn you away.”

Calderon looked past Jeddy. “What is that?” Calderon then dashed past Jeddy and it was off to the races. Oh my god, he thought, I can’t wait to get the gold. I’m gonna bring it back to the village and save everyone. Me, my family, my everyone.

Jeddy took a dive at Calderon. It was but a minute later that the man in the Gold Room opened the door and saw Jeddy and Calderon making out.




I busted a nut on my laptop. Sparks started flying out of it. I asked my mom if she could let me borrow money for a new one. She said, Son you’re 26. The underlying truth in that statement is self-evident, as you can tell. So I go back to my room and on my laptop is the nut I busted. It looks like coffee cream. Amaretto. It’s on the keyboard like a big fat SPLAT! And even on the screen is a sprinkle of juice. So now I don’t have a laptop, which sucks. I’m thinking, how long do I have to save to get a laptop? Should I even get a new laptop. I don’t even want anything. The feeling of not wanting anything.